creative writing · Mental health feelings

I’m fine, just fat

A lot of people I know who suffer with mental health difficulties, also struggle with their weight.

For me, it’s a combination of lack of impulse control, a cycle of bingeing and purging, weight gaining medication and being unable to get out of bed let alone to a spin class. Possibly a few other reasons too, whatever it is, I am fat.

Not just fat, I am clinically obese. fat

Being such a fatty, I see a lot of judgment, some of this judgment comes from the medical practitioners themselves.

At one of my lowest points in depression, I stopped eating all together, I had no appetite at all and just couldn’t be bothered to eat… Or do anything at all really. When my care coordinator at the time asked if this had improved and I confirmed it had not he replied;

“We’re not too worried about that, you could do with losing a few pounds”

And this is far from unusual, the amount of mental health and medical professionals that have shamed me for being fat is outstanding.

Just a few weeks back, I was happily bragging to my Dr about the long walks I go on, how they make me feel good….

“Everyone can walk, ya know, why don’t you go for a run?”

And when I was referred to the reumatologist for my wanky knees he JIGGLED MY BELLY while telling me I was “Not that bad”… While I was vulnerable and trouserless on the exam table (this might be a whole other thing)

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My IRL friend complaining about his GP

My friend and I often complain to each other that whatever is wrong with us the doctor will just tell us to lose weight.

The hardest part about it all is I know they’re right, I am fat and I need to lose weight but after years of abuse my body is just not cooperating, my physical health is abysmal and my metabolism is shot to pieces.

I have been working SO hard and trying and trying to shift the extra weight but it’s just not happening.

Okay considering I ate a curry and a slice of cheesecake last night perhaps I am not working as hard as I could be/ should be BUT I worked my ass off in the outdoor gym yesterday and I walked the 2 mile trip to the supermarket and back to earn that treat…

I want to be healthy, though I think I’d settle for happy but for a larger lady recovering from a severe personality disorder and trying to plan a wedding…. There’s a fat chance of that.

 

 

Photo by Jorge Zapata on Unsplash

4 thoughts on “I’m fine, just fat

  1. I feel this! Happens to me all the time too. Being fat is the root of any kind of sick I might be feeling. As soon as there’s no easy answer the answer becomes “lose weight”.

    S
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    Like

  2. I’m fat too because of the drugs I take for Bipolar Disorder, but I’ve realised that there’s only so much one can do. Don’t be too hard on yourself and remember that we sufferers never asked for mental illness.

    Like

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