I don’t know, I’m not an expert on anything, not even on me.
Perhaps my lack of medication is increasing some bipolar symptoms.
Just a thought- one of many.
I’ve been increasingly agitated recently.
My skin doesn’t seem to fit right, it itches and every noise, every sensation is an irritant.
Saturday was a very bad day for me, I had too many thoughts, spinning and swirling, consuming my consciousness.
So, I decided to try and do a mindfulness activity.
I went to bed, darkened the room, got myself comfortable, closed my eyes and imagined with all my might- an old fashioned chalkboard.
So now, all of those spinning, swirling, consuming thoughts were just a scribble on a blackboard and when the board was full, I just wiped them all away and that’s what I did, I filled it up, and wiped it away over and over.
And this was working well, until I noticed that another part of my brain was having an imaginary conversation with one of my therapists…
So now, with my full attention, in my minds eye I can see and hear;
- All the squiggles of thoughts I had before
- The chalkboard being filled with them
- The wipey away thingy
- (And me saying the word ‘wipe’ while I did so)
- Plus my own voice and the voice of therapist, talking about whether this was indeed actually a mindful experience or not
- And me questioning how all of these things could be happening at once!
I have no idea how other minds work, but how can I ever get rid of the spinny thoughts when they’re all there, all equally in my focus, all at the same time?
I laid there, motionless and just ‘observed’ what was happening. (Another mindfulness skill- go me!)
And yes, 100% these thoughts were happening simultaneously. I was not ‘flicking’ from one to the other, they were all equally present.
Many people tell me, no one can ever have two thoughts at the same time.
Multitasking is actually a myth.
So what the hell is happening to me?