I really don’t believe I can be mindful, not in the way that it is being presented to me.
During my DBT course (dialectical behavioural therapy) I am constantly assaulted with the idea of mindfulness.
Mindfulness is defined as:
An awareness of thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and behavioural urges. By learning mindfulness, we are empowered to be in charge of ourselves in a different way. It has been proven that awareness assists in emotional regulation. As we understand ourselves, we accept ourselves and change ourselves. It is a practice of attention and intention.
I have tried practicing many, many types mindfulness at many different times of day, starting out in different frames of mind each time.
I. Just. Can’t. Do. It.
Everyone tells me, it’s a skill I need to practice, no one gets it overnight, you need to work at it.
I have so many problems with this, I don’t know how to list them all, here are my two main issues:
Can I be mindful of the present moment, without being 100% present?
I find it incredibly difficult to focus my mind on just one thing for any amount of time, my mind is a busy, cluttered mess that never stops. I can’t focus on my favourite thing in the world for more than a few minutes without distraction. However I am aware of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, body sensations etc without thinking only about them.
I have been told numerous times that’s not mindfulness but maybe it could be in my very own unconventional way?
If mindfulness is supposed to be relaxing, why does it make me feel so horrible?
On the surface, it’s incredibly boring, a little further down and it’s frustrating, pushing further it’s stressful, depressing, anxiety provoking; all of that is masking the real emotion or lack of it.
If I’m not thinking, feeling, acting, doing… What am I? A vast empty space of nothingness.
Am I missing something?
Is there some key ingredient I’m just not getting?
Am I not trying hard enough?
Am I, as I am starting suspect just a failure?
Or is there some legitimacy to the claim, that not everyone is suited to mindfulness?
Are there other people like me who need more mental stimulation than mindfulness can provide?
Whatever the answer is, I have it on good authority that I probably won’t be able to continue with the course if I can’t get over this hurdle, so what do I do?
Can anyone help me?