Probably not… This is a really terrible thing to think. We all know someone who has battled cancer and win or lose, it’s a long drawn out gory battle with your own body, where the ‘fix’ has worse side effects than the thing killing you in the first place.
I know nearly everyone reading this would say “I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy”. Me included.
So what does that say about how I feel about myself?
First of all, I’d like to admit, I do truly hate myself.
Not just dislike, hate.
I hate the way I look, everything about my appearance. I find it extremely hard to look in the mirror without crying.
I hate the way my body is betraying me. All the disgusting physical illnesses and imperfections.
I am repulsive.
I hate my mind, how fucked up and twisted it is. How out of control it is. How I’m so powerless and completely at it’s mercy.
I hate everything I say, everything I do, everything I think.
More days than not, I wake up hating the fact that I’m still alive.
But that’s not why I wish I had cancer (mostly).
When I’m freaking out, having panic attacks.
When I can’t stop crying.
When I can’t get out of bed.
I wish I had a convenient, easy to understand ‘excuse’.
It’s just so hard to explain to someone, that I can’t stop crying because someone didn’t reply to my whatsapp even though I’ve seen they’ve read it so that means they hate me which means everyone hates me which means I’m completely worthless and shouldn’t be alive and why do I even bother trying, I’m only going to die alone anyway.
Wouldn’t it be much MUCH easier to just be able to say “I have cancer”.
I can’t explain to someone that I’m too tired to come and meet up with them because I was awake until 4am worrying about something that might not ever happen.
“Why are you so tired?”…. “I have cancer”.
Maybe I could even use it to explain my suicidal tendencies. When you’re terminally ill and in pain and know you will never recover, suicide becomes much more socially acceptable.
This is very controversial and something not many people will understand but I really hope at least one person does… Because god I feel so lonely not being able to tell people the depth of the truly disgusting thoughts that plague me- funnily enough one of the reasons I wish I had cancer.
Why do I have to be so twisted?