Mental health feelings

Is it wrong to be envious of a suicidal girl?

So I have this friend, well really she’s the wife of a friend (husband/ wife- it all seems far too grown up for me still, we’re in our twenties!) anyway this wife of a friend started having suicidal thoughts last week and I feel for her, I really do. I’ve been there, done that, I know how painful it is…

She’s originally from another country and moved here to be with her now husband, she feels alone, homesick, she has no family around, she’s had to make new friends, it’s hard, really hard to start a new life. I get that. I get why she felt the way she did and I really sympathise.

But I am oh so envious at the treatment she has received…

I’m a fucking bitch.

She had suicidal thoughts, those need to be addressed, she needs help…

But she didn’t actually do anything…

So the story goes; she’s been depressed for a while, she has bad anxiety, she’d been seeing a GP regularly, she was on medication but still for weeks felt almost unbearingly depressed. She has a mini breakdown (her own words), feels lost, can’t stop crying, she’s in pain, confused. We’ve all been there right? She manages to scrape herself back together enough to go into work the next day, halfway through her shift after seeing to a particularly difficult customer it all hits her. This is too much, overwhelming, she can’t breath, can’t think, she needs to die.

How horribly suffocating those thoughts are.

She did the right thing, she found someone she trusted, she told them everything. An ambulance was called, to hospital she went, she saw a doctor, got assessed, a change in medication, sent home with the loving support of her husband. She was signed off work, she sees the home treatment team, they come and see her everyday, a 20 minute visit each time, she has her medication. Barely a week has passed and already she is impatient to see her long term care team…

I want her to have this support, I really do…

But it is a giant slap in the face… She didn’t actually do anything!

hospital

I compare this to my own suicide attempt, a time I actually did something.

I got drunk, I took an overdose, I cut myself to shreds. I don’t think I actually wanted to die… I just wanted the pain to stop. I too reached out, I phoned a doctor in fact… I did not have an ambulance called.

I had to take the fucking bus to hospital.

Drunk, drugged and bleeding, I had to pick myself up enough to take an hour long bus ride to the hospital.

She got an ambulance, she didn’t even do anything, I did and had to take the bus.

Now I was in a right state when I arrived at the hospital I was seen relatively quickly, my GP had forewarned them I was coming and what the situation was. I was given a nice benzo to calm me the fuck down. I was given the antidote to my overdose.

I wasn’t assessed psychologically until more than 24 hours after I came in.

She was assessed within a few hours, she didn’t do anything. I had to wait a whole 24 hours, I actually did something.

Now looking back, I can see why they would wait, perhaps not that that long but until the next morning at least, when I had some sense back in me… But still, I was obviously in dire need to see a psychological expert of some kind.

After being discharged, she saw someone the very next day.

I was told, I had to wait weeks until I got to see someone.

She didn’t do anything.

She got new medication from the hospital, I begged my GP to see me two days after to get a change in medication.

She didn’t do anything.

She gets seen every day by the home treatment team. I had to beg to be seen sooner than weeks away. In fact the home treatment team, when they did see me, probably about a month afterwards, said I wasn’t a candidate for them.

She didn’t do anything.

I hate the NHS, I hate this postcode lottery, I hate how I was treated, I hate that I feel this way about how she was treated.

I hate myself.

But she didn’t do anything.

 

You can read my story here

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2 thoughts on “Is it wrong to be envious of a suicidal girl?

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