Mental health feelings · Poems

Reflections

Reflections

What would I be, if I wasn’t me?
What if I was happy, healthy and sane?
I see the reflection of the me who’s not me
Completely different but outwardly the same

I see her, filled with love, life and such energy
She is intelligent, wise, content and healthy
With her eyes, open wide, so bright and alert
Not like me, dead inside, fueled by hurt

She’s made something of her life
She did it all, no problems, no strife
Well enough for school, college and university
Now she looks back, at the mess of the real me

Stupid, ugly, high school dropout
Druggy, whore, life waster
Nuts, crazy, whacked out
Man eater, relationship killer

The reflection of me, looks back with such shame
At the mess I have made, only I am to blame
For my feelings, my reactions to such simple things
The pain that it causes, the hurt that it brings

I can’t control the way that I think
I can’t bring myself back from the brink
Love, hate, happiness, despair
I feel them all, all the time, year after year

What I wouldn’t give to go through the mirror
I would take my own life, just to be her
To have my shit together, no more sickness
To rid myself of this wickedness

But alas, it seems that will never be
So, I’ll gaze through the mirror at the me who’s not me
And wish with everything that I am
That one day, I’ll see my reflection and be happy with who I am

5 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. This is so sadly relatable… im so sorry that you feel this way. The way you worded this is perfect though. I understand how you feel. When you say
    “For my feelings, my reactions to such simple things
    The pain that it causes, the hurt that it brings”
    I instantly connected to it. It seems so easy for others to make good decisions.
    I sometimes seem to make terrible choices to things that are really quite straight forward. And i know i have the choice to do what is “a normal response” but i just make self destruction choices. Sometimes it feels easier. It feels normal. And then after it all youre left with nothing and you think “why did i do that” ” why did i do thise stupid things… no normal person would do that”.
    But its what i do. Not all the time now which is good. At one point every decision i made was to hurt or destroy what id built. Im not as bad now. But im truly sorry you feel this way. Stay strong ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m really glad you’ve been able to move forward a little, it’s really hard to get out of that self destructive behaviour pattern, I really wish you well in the rest of your recovery ❤ Thank you so much for your supportive and understanding comment, it really means a lot to me that there are other people who feel the same way

      Like

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