I don’t believe it. I can’t believe you went and did this to me. I keep waiting for you to turn the corner, a wry grin on your face telling me this was all some practical joke. That would just be like you, to put everyone through that for your own perverted pleasure. Maybe the police will come by and tell me they were wrong, it wasn’t you. That you’re safe and sound somewhere, gone on one of your weekend binges. You’ll stagger past, one shoe on, vomit down your too short, too tight dress, make up smeared and I’ll take you home and clean you up. You’ll promise you’ll stay clean this time but they’ll always be a next time. Right? Not that I would ever wish those dark times on you but it would be better than what actually happened.
I am so furious with you, I wish I could go back in time to slap you around the face. Scream at you, how dare you leave me this way, how dare you leave me with mum the way she is. You’ve broken everything, ruined everything! I hate you for this, I hate you so much. I love you, I hate that I love you. Mum is a mess, she was getting better, did you know that? Of course you didn’t, you were always too wrapped up in yourself. Mum barely gets out of bed anymore; well she doesn’t during the day, I hear her at night, I hear her pacing, I hear her crying, I hear the clink of glass as she blows through yet another bottle. I find her in the mornings, passed out in your room, cuddling your photo’s, smelling your clothes. I don’t think she’ll get through this, I help her as much as I can but it’s like I’m not even there, it’s like I died too, she won’t look me in the face.
You were always her favourite, despite your problems. You were her angel, in mum’s eyes, you could do no wrong. Maybe if I pray hard enough God will take me instead. He will bring you back and you would have learned your lesson, you would have changed, you’d be able to be the daughter mum needed you to be. I don’t mind if you take my place. I’d give anything to hear you again, I even miss the screaming matches. Tell me again how I don’t understand, tell me again that I’m a prissy bitch, roll your eyes and tell me I’m stuck up. Please, please, come back and be with us again. Mum will never be okay again without you, she needs you. I need you. I love you, come back.
I’ve cried and cried so much over you, on some level I bet you’d enjoy that, being the centre of attention, seeing how much we love you and miss you. Did you see me frozen, struck deaf and dumb when I heard the news? Did you see me that night, curled up in your bed? Did you hear my heart breaking? The soul wrenching sobs that shook me so hard I thought I’d fall apart? My throat is raw, my eyes are painfully swollen, my chest is so tight, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to take a deep breath again. Will this pain go away? I’m so consumed by it, my pain, mum’s pain. My life is pain now. I can’t even look in the mirror anymore, I can’t stand the sight of you looking back at me. No one wants to be in the same room as me, all they’ll ever see is you. You’ve taken half of me away with you, you’ve severed a bond more sacred than any other on earth, we shared a womb! And you’re gone. Just like that, no warning, no goodbyes. I think I felt it you know, I was so sick that day, I could barely move, shaking and vomiting, I thought it was the shrimp I ate the night before but it was because of you, I guess that’s what happens when you lose a twin.
You overdosed, right here in this alley. You went too far and there’s no going back. So here I am, lighting these candles, thinking about you, all the good and all the bad. Are you here? Can you feel me? I can almost feel you, almost smell your perfume on the air. See these candles, feel their gentle warmth, watch the flames flicker and follow the trail back to me.