Mental health feelings


I have written suicide notes many times in my life, I have spent hours and hours scribbling in an old note pad the exact words to help people after I have gone. The words to let them know I loved them in the best way I could. The words to say this wasn’t their fault and there was nothing they could have done and hopefully the words that will make them believe it. Long loving letters to help them remember the good times, the times when I wasn’t so broken and short scribbled notes written in the midst of crisis. I have written out and thrown away letters to every family member and beloved friend, every time I throw them out I write them again. Maybe the reason I keep writing these letters is because I need to get out the words I cannot say to them face to face. I cannot bring myself to tell them how much pain I am in, how broken I am, how hopeless I feel. Most days I drag myself out of bed and put on my mask, paint a fake smile on my face and struggle through the day weighed down by the thoughts inside, even at my very lowest I cannot bring myself to tell anyone. So I’ll keep on writing these letters and keep on smiling through the days. My dear loved ones, if you ever do read them, I’m sorry, I tried…

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